bathing with bill
Wednesday 3 November 2004 | I like a cookie
I dreamed this morning that Mandarin and I were hanging with Bill Clinton, in a large ornate-fixtured, luxurious bathroom, which just happened to be filled to waist-height with sudsy foamy warm bubble-bath water. We were serenely, gloriously naked; Bill was in swimming trunks, on the phone and signing things and opening mail and so forth; and every so often we’d look at each other and shrug, like, Well, you know, really, what’s the big deal here.
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HISTORY’S GREAT PERSONS RECONSIDERED
By Tim Carvell
JOAN OF ARC
The tale of Joan of Arc is one of breathtaking faith: She heard the voice of God, and led an army for Him, refusing to renounce her views even unto burning at the stake. But perhaps it was not God’s voice at all. Perhaps it was her mischievous younger brother, Hedric of Arc, hidden behind a tree, perpetrating a prank that got way out of hand.
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD
One of the most famous final lines in all of literature is F. Scott Fitzgerald’s coda to The Great Gatsby: “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” It is as close to perfect an ending as any American writer has yet devised. Yet it’s difficult not to wonder how differently we might regard that work, had Fitzgerald heeded Zelda’s suggestion to follow that line with, “And then Nick woke up. It had all been a dream. Or had it—?”
MONICA LEWINSKY
Whatever you think of her actions, it’s difficult not to feel some sympathy for Monica Lewinsky. The sad fact is that, for the rest of her days, her name will be associated with her actions in the Clinton White House. When someone says “Monica Lewinsky,” people will always think of oral sex. There is, as I see it, only one way for Miss Lewinsky to change this: By embarking on a multi-state armed-robbery and killing spree.
QUEEN BEATRIX OF THE NETHERLANDS
It must be a little odd to be Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. On the one hand, you’re the queen, and that’s probably pretty nice. On the other hand, it is the Netherlands. And the thing about being queen is, it’s not like you can dream of one day getting a better job. You can’t think to yourself, “Maybe if I went back to grad school, I could…” or, “You know, it’s not too late for me to become a firefighter.” Nope. It’s queen, queen, queen, right up till the day you die.
OPRAH WINFREY
It seems safe to argue that, were she to choose Finnegans Wake for her Book Club, Oprah Winfrey’s ratings might suffer slightly. But how much? A three percent drop? Five? Ten? Okay, now what if she were to choose American Psycho? Justine? The Protocols of the Elders of Zion?
GERALD FORD
In pardoning Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford claimed that he was helping to end “America’s long national nightmare.” But perhaps his actions were simply a way of foregoing what would, in the short term, be extraordinarily difficult, but might in the long term have been beneficial for the country—that is, a thorough airing of the Nixonian dirty laundry. Perhaps a better solution might have been to take Nixon aside, press a wad of bills into his hand, and whisper, “You have forty-eight hours to make it to Canada. Now go, run like the wind!”
(courtesy of TIMOTHY MCSWEENEY’S INTERNET TENDENCIES)
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