tori still understands
Sunday 1 January 2006 | I like a cookie
Let’s be real honest, when somebody says, “Couldn’t you just accept yourself?”…you’re speaking Chinese. When I’m on my knees in Oklahoma City, even though logically, “love and let go” seems really beautiful…that’s where I was literally at the bottom. I was on tour when all this happened and I remember Oklahoma City being totally rock-bottom…and as I sat there on my knees, waiting for the phone to ring, needing to feed, I’d reached the end of my rope.
I’d made 13 calls from all over the world. I was getting ready to catch a plane from Phoenix to do the Vegas show, and I rang his number again, but no one was picking up. And in that moment, after all the…you know, the fiery redhead behaviour, drawing my lines, making my threats…I was lying there alone, feeling incredibly weak. Feeling like there are not enough sold-out shows, like it doesn’t matter that every American show is sold out, because I’m only alive when I’m on a stage with a piano. The rest of the time I’m just this shell. So, when I wrote “Hey Jupiter,” it was like, how could we have been so cruel? Because when we started it, there was so much love. Real caring. And I sit here hating someone who I had been head over heels in love with. Taking jets to meet up for four hours and then flying back to do a show the next night.
It’s very strange when people break up because they don’t want to be together anymore. You break open the champagne and say see you later. But it’s different when you just can’t be together. I think when you are with a soulmate it’s not just somebody who you are hanging out with to blow time with. But you wake up one morning and you are making these gingerbread muffins for breakfast and you are dropping razor blades in them to just see how he reacts and you have to pull back and say hang on a minute. And that’s really where [Boys for Pele] stems from; it’s being a woman alone and not being able to hide behind anybody else’s personality. I steal fire from a lot of the men in my life and that makes it fairly difficult and bloody. I didn’t allow myself to get angry and I needed to do that before I could kind of sit across the table and say “OK baby, I’ll make a margarita without using a lethal alcohol.”
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