Homeric catalogue of useless allergy medication
Wednesday 8 March 2006 | I like a cookie
Eye drops of varying degrees of utility:
1. Similasan Allergy Eye Relief—homeopathic (apis 6x, euphrasia 6x, sabadilla 6x), to be used as often as I need meaning at least twice an hour; $8
2. Visine-A eye drops—naphazoline hydrochloride 0.025% and pheniramine maleate 0.3% (antihistamines) which can only be used up to 4 times a day but really seem to help; $7
3. Sav-on Relief eye drops—zinc sulfate 0.025% and tetrahydrazoline hydrochloride 0.05% (anti-inflammatory?), which substance uncannily resembles the proverbial sharp stick in the eye—also known as “Tobasco eye drops” per the Brujo; mercifully only $2.99
Single venture into the exciting world of nasal sprays:
4. bioAllers Sinus & Allergy Spray—homeopathic (adrenilium 6x, allium cepa 6x, ambrosia artemisiaefolia 12x, echinacea angustifolia 6x, gelsemium sempervirens 6x, sanguinaria canadensis 6x, sticta pulmonaria 6x, kali iodatum 9x), seems to do nothing other than run saltily down the back of my throat and give me something to do when I feel insane; $9
Proper drugs from evil pharmaceutical corporations like Pfizer and Schering-Plough:
5. Claratin (generic)—loratadine 10 mg (non-drowsy antihistamine), can only be taken once a day dammit because it really helps; 60 tablets for $7
6. Benadryl-D—diphenhydramine 25 mg (soporific antihistamine) and pseudoephedrine 60 mg (decongestant), can only take one right before bed because otherwise I wig out during the night, big turquoise blue motherfuckers and I don’t even know how much they cost because I was blinded by itching by the time I made my way to the till—$7? $8?
7. Sudafed (generic)—pseudoephedrine HCl 60 mg (decongestant) given to me by the Brujo because he didn’t know what else to do, taken a few times during the day with dispirited optimism
Homeopathy, providing gentle amusement:
8. Single remedy made by Natural Health Supply here in Santa Fe (juniperus 30c), 5-10 pellets under tongue whenever I feel like it, like now; $8
9. Hyland’s Seasonal Allergy Relief (allium cepa 6x, natrum muricatum 6x, histaminium hydrochloricum 12x, luffa operculata 12x, and the always scary-sounding nux vomica 6x), 1-2 tablets under the tongue “every four hours or as needed,” which seems to be every four minutes; $5.99
Herbal:
10. Allertonic—”proprietary blend” 200 mg (organic stinging nettle leaf, licorice root, eyebright herb, horehound herb, osha root, horsetail herb, mullein leaf, elecampane root, plantain leaf), allegedly made here in SF by Herbs., Etc, 30 softgels, “severe use: take one softgel every hour until relief then resume normal use: one softgel three to five times a day,” but right now I’m just kind of taking it whenever I feel desperate, which is every few hours or so; on sale for $11.88
11. Mystery allergy enzymes tablets—sold to a desperate me by Pharmaca, can literally remember nothing about them now other than one can’t eat within an hour of taking and one takes three every hour for “the severe use” until stabilized and then go to one a day, I take 3 in the morning, 3 at some point in the afternoon and 3 before bed, using them severely; $12
What means?
• Approximate total spent on allergies in the last week: $80, $50 of which loan from the Brujo
• Times I’ve nearly started crying in the allergy products aisles of Sav-on, Pharmaca and Herbs., Etc.: every time I’m there
• Strength of new desire to live in equatorial zone in French Polynesia, preferably on windward island where no plants at all grow: hard to measure, really
• Time spent reading fascinating 1978 National Geographic article on French Polynesia, including Tahiti, aloud to a politely interested Brujo: 20 minutes
• Current level of discomfort where 1 is no symptoms and 10 is I’m going out of my freaking gourd: (eyes) 7, (palate and ear canals) 5, (nasals) 2
• Reason I just laughed out loud: thinking of Mandarin’s advisor’s ignorance of the word “nosology,” then remembering Stevie Smith poem ending, “My name is Purrell, I was cast before swine” (said advisor being named Pearl)
• Good reason everything I write today seems like an undergraduate parody of Harper’s Index: none whatsoever
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