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weekly wtf

Thursday 26 October 2006 | someone left a cookie

Here, gentle reader, are two samples of copy which make me clutch my temples and hoarsely mock-whisper, like Gene Hackman in that Elaine May-penned knockoff of La Cage Aux Folles: “I feel like I’m insane!” (Though the Brujo points out, it’s really I who am, however unrepresentatively and temporarily, sane, and the world which seems to have completely lost it.)

Exhibit A, from an information sheet entitled “What You Should Know Before You Apply for Social Security Disability Benefits,” said handout having been mailed to me by the improvident but helpful SSA, who are trying to prepare me for my disability hearing (and I need all the preparation I can get) (unfortunately they didn’t send me a bright red-white-and-blue t-shirt, size small, declaring in large bold typeface I SWEAR TO GOD I’M NOT FAKING IT) (Mandarin, during our college days: “‘I am not a loser’ is not an affirmation!”):

Can I apply for disability benefits online?
Yes. Simply log on to: www.socialsecurity.gov/applyfordisability/ for information about applying online. NOTE: You cannot apply online for SSI.

[Okay, admittedly SSI isn’t the same as SSDI, but they’re still both forms of disability benefits and you’re still being told to “simply log on” in order to…well, in order to nothing, really. Just keeps you off the streets, since you’re apparently too crazy to work like good godfearing people do.]

Exhibit B, from the manufacturer’s FAQ for my new post-Remeron sleeper, the deceptively similarly you are getting sleeeeepynamed Rozerem (ramelteon—¡yum yum yum delicioso! but alas it’s not a flavor of paleta, it’s a weird nonaddictive soporific melatonin reuptake inhibitor patented in Japan and manufactured in, no joke, County Wicklow, Ireland):

Will I feel groggy the day after taking Rozerem?
With Rozerem, you can wake up ready to take on the day. It’s been proven to help people fall asleep fast and wake up without feeling groggy or “hung over.”

Are there side effects to Rozerem?
The most common side effects to Rozerem are drowsiness, dizziness, and fatigue.

Ooookaaay [backs away slowly]…so that’s it for today, folks…it’s just bananas out there, in the rainy gray world and in our heads to boot, after struggling for 3+ days over the 2005 taxes (necessary for disability application)—and finally signing up for the GRE. They make it so hard, between ETS and the Thompson Prometric testing center people, it’s almost like they don’t want to take your money—and it’s a respectable amount: registering for both tests set us back a cool $260, $130 per test (general and English literature subject tests). Well really it set the credit card company back that much, God knows when they’ll see that much cash in one place from old Unreliable. It’s cold and rainy and we futz around too much reading old email and poems and are mostly just relieved not to be actively self-annihilating; the only real good (although also bad) news is that Mandarin’s coming back stateside to see her beloved ninety-something grandmére, who may be about to pass from this life—and may therefore visit us for a few days! We are trying to act all insouciant and look-over-there casual about the whole thing, and think about, oh, anything else at all, like violet snow-boots and taxes, so the gods don’t get jealous and cancel all flights between Oakland and Albuquerque next week. But secretly we are already planning to take her and the Umbrella to BODY so they can nosh upon the raw gluten-free comestibles they love. And Ten Thousand Waves! And Hunt+Gather! And and and and and. Fingers crossed, eyes discreetly averted, breath held, silent prayers wafting downward.

someone left a cookie

  1. mandarin said on Thursday 26 Oct 2006 at 8.53 am:

    Darling, There is no question that applying for benefits is so complex and potentially stressful that I sometimes felt it was akin to the witch water test. Or some hideous catch-22: if one can successfully navigate the system then you can’t actually be impaired enough to need benefits, QED. I am glad that you are embarking on the process and if there’s any way I can assist please let me know. I will write more about my hopes-dreams-plans of getting to Santa Fe sooner than later once I’ve gotten to California and assessed the situation. And now back to thesis-land. LOVE LOVE LOVE


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