practically answers itself, don’t it
Friday 13 June 2008 | 3 cookies in the jar
Well, so, maybe you’d think it would; but the fine-print text within indicates that its author (a serious gentleman by the name of Ray Comfort), deemed it necessary to be much more explicit as to exactly why/how you suck so hard.
I found this cheery, colorful little bulletin this morning, conveniently placed outside the campus counseling office, after my last meeting with the Temporary Pdoc (who’s being let go along with her prescribing colleagues because, while student enrollment at the State School is the third largest in the country, it’s not like they need med management or anything). Whenever I come across the piles of Chick tracts which regularly infest the benches and picnic tables like so many papery palmetto bugs, I collect as many as I can gather and throw them away—no recycling; they’re probably made out of asbestos or fiberglass anyway.
But this one was novel in my extensive experience of threatening fundy literature, so I brought it home to ponder. Sit tight, now, while I give y’all some of that old-time religion. With a few involuntary editorial interpolations.
Is God first in your life? Do you love God above all else? Many years ago, I purchased a T.V. for our children, but the first evening we had it I arrived home from work and found that they didn’t bother to greet me [just one day exposed to secular culture and already defying the patriarchy, precocious sprogs]. They were too busy watching television. I turned it off and explained to them [oh I’ll bet you did] that if they ignored me because they preferred to watch T.V. they were setting their love on the gift rather than the giver, a wrong order of affections.
In fact, the Bible says that we should so love God that our love for Mom and Dad and brother and sister should seem like hatred compared to the love we have for the God who gave those loved ones to us. [And with just a few more years of your impromptu killjoy sermons, I’m sure it will not only seem like hatred.]
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This may sound strange […], but the worst thing you could do at this point in time is to try and clean up your lifestyle—you realize that you have sinned, so from now on you will keep the Ten Commandments, do good deeds, say the right things and think only pure thoughts [and good luck with that]. But should a judge let a murderer go because he says he will now live a good life? [I’m sorry, is this rhetorical?] No, he’s in debt to justice and therefore must be punished.
Perhaps you think that God is good [made you look!] and will therefore overlook your sins. But if you were guilty of terrible crimes in a civil court [pointing at the flag and laughing, peeing on the bench] and said to the judge, “Judge, I am guilty but I believe that you are a good man [sic] and will therefore overlook my crimes,” the judge [whose politics are apparently somewhere to the right of Michelle Malkin’s] would probably respond by saying, “You are right about one thing: I am a good man, and it’s because of my goodness that I’m going to see that justice is done, that you are punished for your crimes.” If God is good, he should punish murderers, liars, thieves, etc., and Hell will be their dreadful fate.
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Ungrateful humanity never bothers to thank God for His wonderful blessings of color, light, food, joy, beauty, love and laughter, so He will take those blessings away from them. [HA-ha!]
This seems like the perfect time to announce the upcoming FIRST ANNUAL HUMOR ISSUE of the unnarrator, to appear on 21 June 2008: “Where Are We Going, And Why Are We In This Handbasket?” Perfect for your election year woes. Because enough with all the gloom and doom already—if you can’t laugh at the end times, then what on earth is all this crippling snobbery, overeducated elitism, and cynical intelligence FOR?!? I put it to you.
Sneak preview below! Coming soon to a screen near you! Guaranteed to be funnier than once-reputable brainy actors turning verdurous and thewy!
(Because we had way too much fun playing with the motivational poster generator, courtesy of fellow State School détenu making owls cool.)
3 cookies in the jar
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Alternative titles: You sir, are no Jonathan Edwards? TV Lovers in the Hands of an Angry God? Searching the Beatitudes for references to love that is, by comparison, hate? I had a lovely Jehovah’s Witness tract left on my door about depression that tickled my fancy (yes it made me think of you!) but apparently my husband found it in one of our rare paper-purging sessions and it is now being made into new paper and saving trees, which may be the best fate it could have hoped for. Still, we admire your restraint. And hope that there are knock-knock jokes in your humor issue.
Dear UN: when you are done with your ghostwriting gig, I suggest you try your hand at re-publishing some of the classics of literature. I’d love to read, say, Persuasion with your editorial asides inserted mid-stream.
Kind of MST3K, but in book form.
Oh thank you for this! I needed to laugh out loud tonight and this was just the thing.