screenplays I will never write (so I might as well blab all about them online)
Tuesday 8 July 2008 | someone left a cookie
• O’KEEFFE. Yep, a biopic, starring…okay, well, I don’t know who; but it sure as heck won’t be Linda Fiorentino. (Though Sir Ben was born to play Steiglitz.) I know, I know, it sounds played, and O’Keeffe was just a regional artist anyway; but here’s the cool part—it starts out at the Art Institute in Chicago and follows young Georgia to New York, all in black-and-white. And then when she cracks up, has migraines, and leaves for Amarillo (and later for New Mexico), the film switches to TECHNICOLOR. How Wizard of Oz is that!?
• EMILY & SUSAN. Another biopic, this one written especially with Jane Adams in mind. I thought she was cute as Niles Crane’s dermatologist girlfriend in Frasier; but really noticed her in Wonder Boys; completely fell for her in Happiness; and with a slow shock of toe-curling realization, knew she would be an uncannily perfect Dickinson when she tore up the screen as a lesbian schoolmarm in that stupid, stupid Songcatcher. Her Emily would be aging and shrewish, a sharp-tongued and blackly humored spinster, well past her annus mirabilis and juvenile infatuations with local dignitaries. Of course Tori Amos will contribute the “weird melodies” Ms. D. purportedly composed. Could Laura Linney ever get unprettified enough to play Susan, who should be as battleaxe-ugly as possible? Sadly, I doubt it.
• SAVAGE BEAUTY. Imagine—it’s a biopic! Starring Julianne Moore as Edna St. Vincent Millay, sleeping with anything not nailed down. Decadent, wholesome fun. And Julie Ann would get to play something besides a deranged vintage housewife for a change. But who would play Bunny Wilson—her tough-as-nails Irish mum Cora—her put-upon husband Eugen Boissevain (who was, as Mandarin and I like to joke, married to everyone)? We’ll never know, because Baz Luhrmann won’t get around to redhead Vincent in his fancypants lifetime.
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To which I add the following:
TENDER BUTTONS, with Alli Lohan as Glazed Glitter. Hillary Duff could play Carafe and the underappreciated Amy Winehouse shows off her dramatic chops as Petticoat. An all-female cast of course. Directed by Michael Bay.
Box office $$gold$$.
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Editor: Oh, now who’s unappreciative of Ms. Winehouse?! I say NO, NO, NO!
En fuego, driamond—better get your script on. Try zhura.com? Maybe Disney would bite!