memo to the red states (via the dbt)
Thursday 30 October 2008 | 4 cookies in the jar
Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election, too, we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawai’i, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Hollywood. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.
We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks, Iowa!), most of the low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Caltech, UCLA, Berkeley and MIT.
You in the Red States, on the other hand, will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all the mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, as well as Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get the Statue of Liberty and Yosemite; thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred (unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws), 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
The Blue States
4 cookies in the jar
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Wait…But I live in Texas. Can’t we all just get along?
Yes, but you’re resident in Texas the way the the baby Jesus said: Be ye in this world (/red state), but not of it.
PS and don’t forget Texas was PRUSSIAN BLUE BABY until freakin’ Phil Gramm in ‘83.
A name that makes my blood boil to be sure. Is this the time to tell the story of how Phil Gramm made me get my hair cut when I was a senate page… that psychopathic bald freak and his damn Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act is just a twisted old loon who can’t appreciate a good coif when he sees it. (Wait, what are we talking about again)